i love both you and the german language way too much
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Montag, November 29, 2004
well
that was the most emotionally eventful weekend of my life
not counting some weekends at or immediately after cty
or the weekend of allison's bat mitzvah
i
feel
so
weird
and i left my purse in mom's car (at least i hope so. otherwise i left it on the train (die tasche!) and will have to die) and, after several key losses and key loss scares, i've started keeping both sets of keys therein. so i have no keys. and daddy's key hook has no keys to my car, and i only woke up (brians alarm clock doesn't seem to have gone of :( :( ) when it was time to leave for class, so i couldn't call mommy and ask her to take me or to bring me keys, so i can't go to class.
i am as homebound as my freshwoman-and-sophomore self. more so, even, because I haven't any money if I did want to go somewheres on my bike.
man, i feel weird.
and i should probably eat something, because i forgot to do that yesterday (and i'm not just saying that; i completely forgot food existed)...and that says something about the level of distraction or wasever.
1:59 PM
Montag, November 22, 2004
getting 'A's is depressing
8:08 PM
Sonntag, November 21, 2004
went into a bit of a textile trance and din't get any collegework done :-\ and my yellow'n'black skirt isn't what I wanted it to be. It's pretty and fun, sure, but i loved that piece of fabric so much and i wanted to make something I could wear every day and feel all enveloped, blanket-style in, like I do with my snowflake skirt. this one is too short and too poofed out (cuz it's two layers of fleece and thus thicker/stiffer, and also cuz of the way I edged it, I think) for me to wear often. I did have a wee bit of fun putting on on heels and a niceish black shirt and it and prancing around in front of the mirror, though. Maybe I should go back to the rag shop and buy more of it before it's gone...'twas damn expensive, though...hmmm i guess i could make the edging a little smaller, which would make it a little longer. i dunno. i like what i have but i miss the straight piece of fleece, which was a kick-booty blanket, and the idea of the skirt i wanted. ah well.
and i feel bad for not doing college stuff. mommy could've made me if she'd just asked (we'd made a tentative plan and then i said not-very-seriously how i didn't want to do anything and then she didn't approach me and i didn't approach her so *shrug* and i really didn't notice the time passing, cuz i was hand sewing), but she lets me push her around. but i let her push me around, too...though she doesn't mean to...though i don't really mean to...maybe more than she does. i don't mean to but i don't always stop when i realize what i'm doing. or something.
i've realized that i let people push me around who're not trying to do anything of the sort ALL THE TIME. people will casually tell me to do something, not knowing the reasons why i should act in some other way, and i'll just follow the direction despite knowing better. and then i often end up bitter/mad at the person who told me what to do, despite the fact that it's obviously a fault in me, not in anyone else. silly maggie.
mommy and i were horified to notice, upon finding the songs we were singing today in church, that it is the feast (oh wait i think it's a solemnity?) of Christ the King. that, my friends (such as might be reading this...tend to think that's few recently, as i've not been trying to be interesting for y'all) who are not up on the church calendar, means that advent begins next sunday, and that christmas will follow only fourish weeks after that. the last song we sung was, rather ominously, 'soon and very soon'. i laugh at this, but i am very afraid. i need a leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeettle (and by that i mean a whole lot) more time if i'm to get all this college stuff and present shopping and skating show and finals and present knitting and work (which will have to be getting crazier, but it scares me to imagine that) done before christmas. especially since i'm taking next weekend to reunion. oh my mommy is wise and warns me wisely of dangers and i ignore her warnings. i'm glad i'm going to the reu though, which she would definitely not have advised me to do, so wasever. and yes, i know there's an actual german word for 'whatever' but wasever has become a part of the vocabulary of my internal monologue. like wasserflasche, sehr, wie bitte, and liebe/lieber. of course those are actual words in an actual language. oh i care not. wasever, again.
i intended to secure some vegan/kosher jello in time to bring it to the grossmans as a host/hostess gift or whatever but i forgot and it's too late for it to be expected to ship here before thanksgiving. alas and alack.
after all that not sounding entirely happy, i should say that i'm quite glad to have had a relaxing(ish) day.
11:24 PM
Samstag, November 20, 2004
sometimes i start doing or thinking something that's bad and then my friends make it better without trying or noticing and it's nice.
11:12 PM
Dienstag, November 16, 2004
Remind me to talk about Aunt Maggie and about the 36 hours Mom, Dad, and I spent in California this weekend.
I am the craziest of all the college machines. I begin to think that my life is a worthless exercise in all this suburban ridiculous scheiz that basically is me. Shame on me for not being stronger than Westport, shame on me for dropping out of school because I thought it would make it easier for me to get into college, shame on me for recreating everything I try to escape, shame on me for acting like I'm so busy when so many other people are busier, shame on me for applying to college this year, shame on me for spending 3.5 years in high school, and shame on me for getting so upset/sad about all of this.
I bought three new pieces of fleece on Friday and I LOVE THEM.
finished knitting my poncho and I'm now blocking it, but I seem to have MESSED UP one of the panels and I have no idea how I did it, as I counted so carefully every row, but I think it'll look fine. it'll just irk me. It does look mighty pretty all spread out, though; can't wait for it to dry.
I can't find one of my pay checks. this is uncool.
I want to skate the morning session at Shelton more often. It made me very very very happy to be on it last week. Opened my right-foot blister up worse than I ever have before, but it was very worth it.
I wish I didn't need to take so much of mommy's emotional strength/energy to make up for my own lack of them, but I do.
I am overwhelemed, but feel better for having cried some. I think I will go read the kitchen god's wife despite the fact that it will cost me sleep. in the morning there will be tea and raisin bran and applesauce.
Moebius knitting is cooler than any of us will ever be.
1:02 AM
Donnerstag, November 11, 2004
failed pre juv again but passed pre-preliminary freestyle today. Leo Cote was one of the judges, and the one who judged my freestyle, which was appropriate because I tested my pre-pre moves with him.
The whole moves test was both annoying and encouraging...I fell ridiculously on the LFO edge after the LBO 3-turn (i just got way far back and my foot flew out from under me. embarrassing but not painful), but they gave me a reskate on which i did a decent job (made my first set of turns way big and only did three, but I don't think that was the biggest problem), but then all failed me. It seemed like maybe only one judge (maybe two) wanted to ask for the reskate, because they talked quite a while before actually telling me to do it, so maybe only one of them had any hope of passing me at that point anyway. who knows. So anyway..the encouraging parts of the test were
-that each judge only had me down by two tenths, including the fact that my power pulls sucked even more supremely than usual because I was coming out of the stress of the bad threes
-that there seem to be a relatively small number of things to fix--threes and power pulls, basically, and pushing a little more on my five-step, and all of those moves feel like they're really really close to where they need to be...no incredibly big errors or anything we'll need to work on for that long
-that i screwed up worse than I did the first time I took it, but fell apart less
-that Leo Cote gave me a 'Good Luck' which he apparently only does when he likes a test
The annoying parts were
-that they got my hopes up by asking for the reskate on the botched side of the threes
-that they took off on very different things: for my back power crosses, which I think are my best move, I got one 2.9 (two tenths above passing) and one 2.6 (failing! by one tenth) then the judge who gave the high mark for the power crosses gave me a 2.5 on power pulls (which I kinda totally deserved) and the judge who failed me (Leo again, I think) passed them! So strange! it's like doing better on the bio SAT II than the math...how could anyone ever mark my power pulls as better than my backward power crosses!?!? the comment he made didn't make sense, either...something including the word 'turn,' when there are no turns on that move. very peculiar.
I enjoyed watching the pre-preliminary moves tests, though. They all skated so much smaller than I remember skating that test, but maybe my persepctive has just changed. one of the girls was itty bitty, though...looked about 5 though Suzanne said she had to be 8ish, and it took her 12 pushes to get down the building.
Also, I bought shoes! I drove off looking for lunch in between my tests and found a payless, so i wandered inside and actually came across an acceptable (higher heel than I really want but bigfoots can't be choosers, can they?) pair of black dress sandals to replace the ones I got for Allison's Bat Mitzvah, and they were synthetic (being in Payless) and only cost my mommy $13. Yay!
Speaking of animal products, I bought cashemere today. feel bad for the sheep when I'm not distancing myself from the thought and loving the way the yarn feels. This isn't the luxura cashmere of which I have previously spoken, but a less expensive worsted-weight cashmere (lobster pot/cape cod are the company and yarn names, but I forget which is which) that comes in a bunch of gorgeous solid(ish) colors, and with which I intend to make a small scarf for mommy for christmas. I bought it in a turquoise that is one of Her Colors, so I hope she likes. i can't deny a wee bit of selfish motivation for choosing this gift, though. i am going to enjoy making it way more than a person should ever enjoy knitting. DOOD i'll even have to wind it into a ball by hand, which i'd forgotten to anticpate. Wheee!
9:53 PM
Dienstag, November 09, 2004
My beloved brown 'n' orange courdoroy pants have no pockets. sometimes, then, when I need to put a little piece of paper or something somewhere, I just stick it into my wasteband and deal with it later. I suspect his is how there came to be a smarties wrapper plastered to my left leg.
11:16 PM
Having one of those insecurity attacks that come on for no sane reason. it's been all today and parts of yesterday. Otherwise, life is quite fun. I'm supposed to do college stuff with mom but i think i may bail on her and go to sleep instead. Work was crazy beyond crazy today, but I skipped discrete and got a bit of a break, and I met with Mrs. Honeycutt, who always makes me happy. The iextreme insecurity thing is really weird, though. I'm enjoying introspecting about it.
9:53 PM
dreamt last night that mommy had a small plane named roger that she'd bought just before we got the white car.
her relationship with roger reminded me of mine with bubba
also, our listening to those left-behind books on the way up (which are just too odd. it's like a cheap romance novel but instead of sex there's evangelism. very very strange) must've gotten to me, because in the dream i jokingly threatened to harm roger in some way and she got her mock-indignant-but-kinda-still-actually-indignant mommy look and said 'as if you could! he's a Christian Man!' and then the alarm clock went off and i woke up.
It was kinda fun, though, taxiing around the roads of dream-westport in this little personified plane.
1:30 AM
Sonntag, November 07, 2004
Sometimes I am very selfish. I need to not do that.
I want to take a year off after high school and go to this Sudbury Valley Model school in Germany.
I also want to get back into Irish dancing, to run a marathon, to study Spanish and Italian and several other languages, to actually do some real math, and to make pretty sweaters. Also, in the words of someone in Love Actually, which I saw last night, I wouldn't mind having 'lots of sex and babies.' Must remember not to do that any time soon.
And now I'm remembering how Merry suggested that I have children for her, when we were in Princeton, and so I dedicate this silly entry to Merry McCarron, whose last name I can't spell but whom I love more every day.
3:43 PM
Mittwoch, November 03, 2004
also, it sounds like bush won. ew.
1:04 AM
it seems i may be writing my common app personal statement about cty. i never expected to do this.
not sure how i feel about it. maybe kind of cheap? maybe not. i've barely ever been able to write aobut cty, and having an excessively small word limit might help me start to focus on specific aspects one at a time, if i ever want to write about it again.
i'm just afraid it'll suck as a college essay or as a representation of cty.
whatevs. i'm just surprised is all.
ever wish there were more to life than college applications?
1:01 AM
Montag, November 01, 2004
sometimes i worry that i'll get involved in an abusive relationship when i grow up.
sometimes i post to my blog to keep from writing my stinking college essays.
patrick is home to vote and get his oil changed, it seems. i wonder who'll win the election.
why am i in such an odd, melancholyish mood? i don't know.
i should probably go to sleep, as i have to wake up tomorrow to skate, but i feel a pressing need to write a common app personal statement. maybe i should demand that mommy sit up with me all night so we can both suffer and accomplish nothing.
al and jenny and heather called me much earlier today, but i somehow managed not to hear the phone ring, and now it seems silly to call back but i wonder what they'd each have been calling about. oh. checked my messages and they (or al/rachel, at least) wanted me to come have fun because they don't have school tomorrow. damn damn wish i hadn't missed that. silly me for forgetting.
10:33 PM
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